JOKES, JAPES AND BANTER
Mistaken Identity
A bloke is in a queue at the supermarket when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a gorgeous woman would be waving to him, and, although familiar, he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "sorry, do you know me?"

She replies, "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children".

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he had been unfaithful.

"Christ" he says. "Are you that stripogram on my stag night that I made love to on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your mate whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my backside?

"No!!" she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher
A wee song for the mhanks, sent in by, Ian Nicol
 Christmas time, drunkenness and crime,
Children playing - in filth and grime,
With cars all on fire - loot under the tree
Time to rejoice - in being scally,

It's a time now for stealing, a time for receiving,
Knocked-off gear - oh what great feelin
Why pay top dollar - yer can nick it for free,
Just like our lecky, - gas and TV

Christmas time, pissed all the time
Nicking ciggies, - spirits and wine
Wearing shell-suits and Nykees - all knocked off gear
It's great getting pissed - on some other bloke's beer

Its a time now for drinkin - six packs of Stella
Dat yer got down the barras - from some dodgy Fella
Christmas is sound - Christmas is best
God bless our father - and the DHSS

Christmas time - time to joy-ride
Then go and visit - family inside
With Dad on a six stretch - and sis up the duff
This East End can get pretty rough

So next time your driving - through Glasgow city
You may just know why - London Road looks so shitty

So keep a sharp eye out - for those dodgy deals
But don't drive too slow - or we'll pinch all four wheels!

 With apologies to sir Cliff
Onions & Christmas Trees A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,

"Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers,
"Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts

In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm.

In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit.

After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
"Well dear, a man goes throughthree phases.

In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard.

In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.

After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes - dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."
Letter to Spouse To My Dear Wife,

You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel.

Please do not be upset - I shall be home before midnight.

Your Husband x

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:

My Dear Husband,
I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a maths teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of maths, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference: 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18!!!

Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Your Wife x
Nudist Colony A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day

there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says,

"Did you call for me?" The man replies, "No, what do you mean?"

She says, "You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule

here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me" Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Later, the man continues to explore the colony's facilities.

He enters the sauna and as he sits down, he farts. Within minutes a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam room

Toward him, "Did you call for me?! " says the hairy man.

"No, what do you mean?" asks the newcomer.

"It's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called

for me." The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.

The newcomer staggers back to the colony office where he is

greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist. "May I help you?" she asks.

The man yells, "Here's my membership card. You can have thekey back and you can keep the $500 membership fee."

"But, Sir," she replies, "you've only been here for a few

hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities."
The man replies, "Listen lady, I'm 63 years old. I only get

an erection once a month. I fart 15 times a day. I'm outta here
The Bull A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of their first stops was the breeding bull exhibit. They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 50 times last year."

The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "See ... He mated 50 times last year ... once-a-week."

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."

The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."

The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once-a-DAY. You could REALLY learn something from this one."

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same Cow everytime."
Tomatoes An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, I know you would dig the plot for me.

Love,
Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the BODIES.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m.the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now.
That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie